Letters To No One - October 20, 2020

Jesus Figueroa

October 20, 2020

I lie in bed these sleepless nights with thoughts of you going through my head. There are few moments when you do not dominate my thought process. What can I say to make you come back. These notes I write and send with hope that I hear back are wearing me thin. I know you receive them because they do not come back to me. So I will continue to write because as I write to you I feel you and the moments I spend with you are the ones I cherish the most.

I drive myself made pacing around day after day trying to keep myself from writing more and more to you. There is so much I want you to know, but I do not want to interfere in your happiness more than I already do. I want nothing but the upmost happiness for you – I understand that I am not included in that happiness no matter how much I wish I was. So I will walk and wear out my socks on the wood floor of my house as I annoy the ghosts that I’ve around me, until I join them. How long would it take for someone to notice I am gone. Would you notice I am gone?

There is beauty in my memory and I revisit my past much more than many would consider healthy. I live with one foot in the present, one foot in the past, and a fleeting glance to the future that is murky. I do not know if you are there...in my future. I want you to be. I ask the universe to slip you into my future and keep our paths crossing as they have time and time again. This life is wild. This life is free. I just cling to the hope of a home, a home I can be let into. A home that you know. A home with ghosts, but our ghosts. Ghosts that are not as scary because we can face them together.

This is one of the darkest love letters I have written in awhile. I have not lost hope, but I can feel it slipping. Still,I hope this is a true love letter...an honest one as well. I hope you know that as I say I LOVE YOU, there is no need for a response. Life is peachy that way. You go along being the beauty in this world. Know that you make life better. I hope you are still out there, that is the hope I hold on to the hardest.

Yours Always,

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